WITH A HEAVE! AND A HO! She said ho.

I haven't been blogging much lately. Why? Because I've been working my a$$ off to pay for all the live rock shows! At this very moment, I'm trying to figure out what I can sell to get myself AERO-FIED on June 26th at Jones Beach. When and why did concert tickets get so expensive? Does Live Nation think we're made of money? What will become of The Blue Army, AEROSMITH'S legendary fan base? Shell shock! Double talk! Two o'clock! Cat walk! Sebastian Bach! Electric shock! Writer's block! At this point, I'm going to need some magic powers to get face time with the man. Blink!

What do Rainbow Twizzlers have to do with it?? Nuttin Honey. I was just trying to cheer us up. Feelin' better? No? How 'bout a hoola?

BUMMED

$220 for an AEROSMITH ticket? That's bad business. I can't say for sure, but I'd bet my bottom dollar STEVEN TYLER doesn't like it either. Just sayin.

WHAT UP SWINGERS? All quiet on the western toe? Not for long! Summer's right around the corner and not a moment too soon. Got your shows lined up? Got your ticket$$$? Front row ho? Come find me and my goody-two-cougs down front and pick up your complimentary acid-washed group toe.

4-WAY DIABLO

Phil, If you're reading this (and I know you are) you're so out of gas. Chudrock! May 16th, Starland Ballroom, Slayerville, NJ MONSTER MAGNET

FINGER LICKIN GOOD

What? You think it's lame? If SAMMY is lacking any talent, he makes up for it with a party and a side of poundcake! Yeah! SAMMY'S cookin' up that old-time recipe! He says his new band 'sounds just like LED ZEPPELIN'  Haha. Gotta kick that gong tonight! CHICKENFOOT, May 26th Middle East, Cambridge, MA CHICKENFOOT

JANE'S ADDICTION (PERRY FARRELL, DAVE NAVARRO, ERIC AVERY, STEPHEN PERKINS) is together again for the first time since 1991, touring with NINE INCH NAILS. Lookout! There's your big, bad, dirty rock show right there. June 3, Comcast Center, Mansfield, MA JANE'S ADDICTION

HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE TOES! 

AEROSMITH & ZZ TOP!!!  June 16th! June 26th! July 25th! September 12th! Boston! New York! Viva Las Vegas! I heart New Jersey! You think you can stop me?? Dream on Grampa.  AEROFORCEONE

DON'T GIMME NO LIP, I GOT ENUF OF MY OWN!

WHERE'S MY HEAD BABY

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! BAD COMPANY together again for a ten-show tour? Obviously I'm so there. Where? Jones Beach, June 28th. What does PAUL RODGERS sound like these days? Are you kidding me? Take your old BAD CO. records out for a spin.That's exactly what he sounds like. Now bow down to The Voice of Rock n Roll.  PAUL RODGERS

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME!





                        EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S PORN


What's the biggest, hairiest, rowdiest rock-party of the summer? POISON shows are more fun than the Fourth of July! Doubt it? Don't knock it til you Rikki Rocket! POISON, DEF LEPPARD, CHEAP TRICK June 30th, Comcast Center, Mansfield, MA  POISON

BRETSKI! C.C! BOBBY!

BILLY FREAKIN SQUIER! YOU'RE MY SITUATION! Saturday, July 11th. Atlantic City, NJ. Atlantic City? Yeah? So? Don't say you love me! Just say...blink! BILLY SQUIER

What about August? Keep your thong on..I'm working on it.

WHAT KIND OF ROCKER ARE YOU ANYWAY? I'll tell you! You're a Tinker's Dam'n, Uncle Sam'n, strawberry jamm'n, grrl cam'n, door slammin', wham bam'n thank you ma'am, lip-smackin, paddy-whackin', Cracker-Jackn ROCKER! What the? I'll see you down in front when the biggest, baddest, ballsiest band in all the land rocks you inside out, upside down, lost and found, hose you down! Are you kidding me? It's not fiction. It's AEROSMITH! Bow down all of you.

,

AEROFREAKNSMITH! TOUR  09

Wed 06/10/09		St. Louis, MO	TBA
Sat 06/13/09		East Troy, WI	Alpine Valley Music Theatre
Tue 06/16/09		Mansfield, MA	Comcast Center
Sun 06/21/09		Bristow, VA	Nissan Pavilion At Stone Ridge
Wed 06/24/09		Burgettstown, PA	Post-Gazette Pavilion
Fri 06/26/09		Wantagh, NY	Nikon At Jones Beach Theater
Sun 06/28/09		Uncasville, CT	Mohegan Sun Arena
Wed 07/01/09		Cincinnati, OH	TBA
Fri 07/03/09		Hershey, PA	TBA
Sun 07/05/09		Virginia Beach, VA	Verizon Wireless Virginia Beach Amphitheater
Thu 07/09/09		Charlotte, NC	TBA
Sat 07/11/09		Tampa, FL	TBA
Mon 07/13/09		Fort Lauderdale, FL	TBA
Wed 07/15/09		Atlanta, GA	Lakewood Amphitheatre
Fri 07/17/09		Houston, TX	TBA
Sun 07/19/09		Dallas, TX	TBA
Sat 07/25/09		Las Vegas, NV	TBA
Mon 07/27/09		Phoenix, AZ	TBA
Thu 07/30/09		Tulsa, OK	TBA
Sat 08/01/09		Englewood, CO	Fiddler's Green Amphitheatre
Appearing at "Sturgis Rally"
Wed 08/05/09		Sturgis, SD	The Legendary Buffalo Chip
Mon 08/17/09		Auburn, WA	White River Amphitheatre
Wed 08/19/09		Concord, CA	Sleep Train Pavilion At Concord
Sun 08/23/09		Irvine, CA	Verizon Wireless Amphitheater
Fri 08/28/09		Tinley Park, IL	First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre
Sun 08/30/09		Indianapolis, IN	TBA
Tue 09/01/09		Kansas City, MO	Sprint Center
Thu 09/03/09		Toronto, ON	TBA
Sat 09/05/09		Ottawa, ON	TBA
Tue 09/08/09		Saint Paul, MN	Xcel Energy Center
Thu 09/10/09		Cuyahoga Falls, OH	Blossom Music Center
Sat 09/12/09		Holmdel, NJ	PNC Bank Arts Center
				How many shows am I going to? Sneakin out the back way! Sneakin down the alleyway! Gotta do it my way! Who's gonna stop me? You? Do it in the sunshine! Hanging from the clothes line! Find another tree to climb!

LIGHTS!

VOICES SCREAM!

            NUTHIN SEEN!

                  REAL'S THE DREAM!

TOYS!

TOYS!

TOYS!

TINA TURNER! ACID QUEEN OF ROCK AND ROLL! When I'm out shopping for clothes, I'm asking myself just one question: Would TINA wear this? TINA'S got it all: The shortest dresses! The highest heels! The biggest hair! Fishnets! Leather! Denim! Glitter! And attitude? River Deep, Mountain High!                         TINA! YOU ANIMAL! ROCK ME!

       LE FREAK, C'EST CHIC

Here's my TINA TEN for Spring:

1. LEATHER MOTORCYCLE JACKET

NUTBUSH KITTY LIMITS

The good news: This sold-out faux leather jacket from H&M is available now on E-BAY. The bad news: No whiskey for sale! Ya get caught..no bail! Salt pork and molasses..all you're gonna get if you land in jail!

What would TINA wear under a black motorcycle jacket? A really short black sequined dress, natch!

2. BLACK SEQUINED MINI DRESS

PROUD MARGIE

Bought this little black dress yesterday! Where? H&M How much? Grrl money! $24.90. You're going out in that? Get back Loretta! 

3. DESTROYED JEANS

STEAMY WINDOWS

 You can get in trouble in these jeans. I recommend you change in the car. DESTROYED DENIM $120. Even the website should be rated NC17. Have mercy.
 

4.  PAINTED-ON JEANS

                    WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO

                     ALL WE WANT IS..

                  LIFE BEYOND THE COUGARDOME

I'll wear these jeans with so much 1985 hair and attitude, you'll think I rocked you back to the future.    $39.  SILENCE & NOISE JEANS

5. CUT-OFF'S

  YA YA

I love these short-shorts with tights and booties. Where would I wear them? A) Concert B) Vegas C) Concert. Too short! Don't knock it til you rock it.  $28. URBAN OUTFITTERS 

6. WHITE BUTTON-DOWN SHIRT

TINA rocks a white button down? Me, too! Here's the story: Yesterday, I went to Brook's Brothers and had myself measured for a custom-made shirt. I selected my fabric (white pima cotton, non-iron) and ordered a men's classic button front, fly collar, extra long, extra narrow shirt with French cuffs. Non! Si, c'est vrai! How much? $150. How are you going to wear this shirt? Belted with bare legs and high heels. As a dress? Who's gonna stop me? You? Dream on.

7. PLAID SHIRT

 HONKY TONK BLUES

I can't drink this shirt off my mind. Love the high pockets and roll-up, button-up sleeves. Long enough to wear as a dress (don't start) or belted over jeans. How much? $225. Kaching! Who says the best things in life are free? Not TINA! Not me eitha. INTERMIX 

8. CARGO PANTS

MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT..

Like 'em? 'Course you do. They're from Victoria's Secret. Oh, what..you can't buy clothes from VS?? Get over yourself. VICTORIA'S SECRET

9. BLACK ON BLACK

Would TINA? Like thunder and lightning!

 


10. TEE SHIRT
          I, TINA

TINA TEE SHIRT

  

HOLY MARY, CARRIE, SUKI, BARBARA, JANIE & JOANIE! Here it is April 2009 and rock still wins! So what are you wearing to the show? What show? The big hairy rock show you're going to as soon as humanly possible! Shorter! Tighter! Higher! Let's start with your toe.

  THEY SAID YOU WAS HIGH CLASS

Do these appeal to your inner ho? She said ho.  FYI Doll, these high-hell platform Mary Jane's are sold-out all over. How much? $965. Christ!
MARY JANE'S

HOT STUFF, SO WHAT!

Would you? Could you? No way! Oh don't lie..you know you want to. For $39.99, you can parade around the house in these bad grrls. Answer the door in them and give the UPS guy a thrill! Maybe you want an open-toe? She said toe again. Check them all out here: SNAZZY. The other thang about super-high heels that's worth noting: If you teeter around in 6 inch heels for an hour or two, it will make all your other heels feel like a cake-walk. Word to your cougar.

 
                       AEROS MAGNUS

These Gladiator booties might be better suited to the front row than the stripper shoes. Ya think?? They've got a stable chunky heel and they're high enough to help you make eye contact with BRET, VINCE or STEVEN. Singin' hey diddle diddle with yer kitty in the middle LOEFFLER RANDALL BOOTIE

MILE THIGH HIGH CLUB

LERVE! They're called Kitty Kat by Two Lips. Of course they are. How much?  $130!  Done!  KITTY KAT Meow.

Oliver sudden, I'm feelin' like a rodeo!  Cowboy boot-kavorka? Yar! What else would you wear with your destroyed denim mini?? Authentic cattle ropin' boots? Nay Hoss. Kick up some serious dust in these babies by LIBERTY. Oh las botas!

LIVE BOOTLEG

THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT

OUTLAW MARGIE WALES

HO DOWN

           COME AND GET IT BITCHES!

HEY YOU! HAIRY DUDES AND TATTOO'D COUGS! I'm happy to report that I have thoroughly hard-rocked the entire northeast corridor. That's right y'all. From New Hampshire to New Jersey, I was all over the big shows: back to back, down in front, upright and high n tight in no time. Tuesday night! Thursday night! Friday night! Cluster-rock three-fer? Done!

First up: The almighty ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND. THE ALLMAN'S are in full swing at NYC's Beacon Theatre celebrating their 40th anniversary in a tribute to DUANE with a month-long run of shows and surprise guests. A little history on my current ABB sitch: My friend Pam and I had pre-sale tickets to the ABB show on March 12th. Last minute, Pam couldn't go. No way was I not going. Besides, I knew we'd have another chance to hook up later in the month. So I get to the show on the 12th and find my seat: orchestra, 15 rows back, way right, dark side. Surrounded by big guys and a cloud of heavy smoke, I was a little nervous about my personal body space. Before we were half way through the first set, it was obvious that I was sitting in the GFU section. Two guys in the row directly in front of me started to shove each other so I had to monitor that situation throughout most of the first set. Meanwhile, my camera bit the dust so I couldn't take any pictures. Finally, about half way through the second set, a full-on fight broke out between the two guys. Their fists were a little too close to my face. I left quickly and chalked it all up to one bad night. Was I bummed? A little. But I didn't get hit..and there were still lots of ABB dates left on the calendar. Do-ova? That's right Muthertruckers. Come to Margie Country!

GREGG ALLMAN: #1 BADASS WORLDWIDE

So here's how it went down on Friday night. Pam got me a ticket in the loge. Where's the loge? Up the stairs?? Yo I don't think so J'Bro. She came and got me and brought me down to her seat of awesomeness in row BB (second row center, natch). There was tons of room against the stage so I just climbed over the row and waited for the rock to roll me. What was I wearing? The usual age-inappropriate attire: AEROSMITH tee shirt from the kid's department, Levi 501 denim torn-up short-shorts, black tights, studded-out black leather Diesel belt (TYLER), and my dirty black side-zip, three-buckle motorcycle boots! What kind of look is that? It's called 'bar-maid at King Tut's Wah-Wah Hut circa 1988'. Next!

No more pre-amble. No more digression. No more chudding around Phil (I know you read my blog). Here's the set-list.

Who's EC? Uh...that would be GOD. ERIC FREAKN CLAPTON was the 'special  guest' at the show on Friday night. And? The jam was off the frame! The heat coming off the guitars was so hot I thought my hair was on fire. It was a full-on, full-frontal five-alarm guitar facial allnightlong! Aw yeah. Here's all the pictures to prove it.

              SOME GUY

PAM & FRIEND

PAM JAM

Am I going back for more?

IS IT TRUE??? CROSS YOUR AMERICAN PAWS AND PREY, ALL Y'ALL!

LOOK OVER YONDER.. WHAT'S THAT I SEE?

THAT OL' BOGUS HONEY COMIN AFTER ME!

BAD, NATIONWIDE

JUST THIS SIDE OF DERANGED

LADIES & GENTLEMEN! STEP RIGHT UP! LET'S GO SEE THE ELEPHANT!

Aw yeah

HELLO..HELLO! (HOLA)

Whoa..Did that really happen?? Last night, I boarded a bus (with 400 other radio winners) at the Museum of Science in Boston and was police-escorted through the streets of Boston and Somerville to the old Somerville Movie Theatre. When we arrived in Davis Square, there were thousands of fans lining the streets and standing outside the theatre behind police barricades. When we got to the door of the theatre, I expected a big to-do..pat-downs, wands, scary looking security guards. None of that! Everything was laid back. An easy, friendly vibe prevailed. Inside, Guinness was flowing from the taps.

Full disclosure: This was my first U2 concert. It's not that I don't like U2. I like them. But I've never felt any connection to them. I don't know why really. Maybe it has something to do with BONO'S willingness to talk politics during his shows. Duuude! When I go to a show, I don't wanna hear about everything that's wrong with the world. I just wanna ROCK!

But now that I've seen them perform live, just a few feet from where I was standing, I can say this:
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! (Joshy) The band kicks holy a$$! Here's what the whole set-up looked like last night.

U2 has a new album out called No Line On The Horizon. It's the number one selling album in the US and 30 other countries. The point of last night's show was not only to promote the new album but according to THE EDGE, to promote radio as a way of connecting people and music. Seems that lots of people don't listen to the radio anymore. What songs did they play? Four from the new album; Get On Your Boots, Magnificent, Breathe, I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight and one you already know and love: Vertigo. Five songs? That's it? That's it! If you want more, you'll have to see them on their upcoming 360 tour with five hundred thousand other people. Rattle and hum Muthertruckers.

 

Who was there? All the sexy people. Yes, Aerocarol was there. I said ALL the sexy people.

ACHTUNG BABY

UNO! DOS! TRES! CATORCE!

MAMA KIN ROCKS!

There was an hour long, live-broadcast Q&A with the band after the show but I can't tell you about it now because I'm all out of time. Call me later and I'll give you the blow-by-blow. 867-5309 SWAK

 DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD!

February?? Done! Thank Dawg! Flash forward to fresh fash/Spring-Summer 09! What are you gonna wear when the snow melts and your skin sees the light of day for the first time since Rocktober? Your sparkly turquoise tank top? Your hot pink boa? Your size 0 'destroyed' jeans..you Twizzler-twirlin, Oprah-luvin, AERO-rockin Cougaress! That's all F.I.N.E but if you don't have the right bra and panties, you could decimate that happy-go-lucky look with two quick strokes. Hey Betty! I'm talkin to YOU!

LAND HO

Just because you're the grrl who parties like a man doesn't mean you should wear briefs. Unless you're planning to use them to sail away, it's time to dump the trunks and get racy! Go lacy! I've made a thorough study of the best of the sets of five top brands: AGENT PROVOCATEUR, LA PERLA, VICTORIA'S SECRET, FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD and JEZEBEL.

If you're one of the last grrls left with cash to burn, get the best from London's AGENT PROVOCATEUR  the ne plus ultra of lingerie.

$145 

$90

Boston has it's own free-standing AP store at 123 Newbury Street. Shocking, I know. I paid them a visit.. and paid and paid. Here's what I'm saying: super-sexy lingerie but the cost kills the party. Movin on.

Just down the street from AP (and conveniently located next to The Four Seasons Hotel) is LA PERLA, another high-end lingerie shop. I took one look at the displays and knew I was in the wrong place. Why? The items I saw were ridiculously expensive and not even pretty. Case in point:

$500 FUGLY

$500? Dream on. NEXT!

If you want a fun n' friendly shopping experience and excellent value, VICTORIA'S SECRET is your one-stop pantie shop. When I walked in the door, a young woman skipped over to greet me. Annoying? Actually, I kinda liked it in a sorority-sister kind of way. She stayed with me while I shopped, found everything I was looking for and answered all my burning questions. What are the trends for spring? Pink! Pink! Pink! Pink? It was love at first sight! Pink, when I turn out the light! Pink, it's like red but not quite! The day I was there, they had a promotion; if you spent $50, you received a small gold box of Godiva chocolates. Love that. And they played Angel while I was shopping. See? That's what I'm talking about! It's the party!

BRA $34, PANTIES 3 FOR $30

Looking for even more value? Would you say 'more bang for the buck?' I might say it. Then check out ol' faithful: FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD  Admittedly, I don't have anything from Frederick's so I can't comment on the quality. But at '4 for $25', you could wear 'em once and throw 'em out the car window. Oh put your eyebrows down Grampa. I'm kidding. What kind of car? Cool it.

4 FOR $25

                 CLASSY KINDA SASSY

This post is dedicated to my step brother Wayno who won two tickets to the 'secret' U2 show in Boston and gave them to Aerocarol & me because he can't go. Why can't he go? Because he'll be in LA. What's he doing out there? Partying. Thank you Wayno! We bow before you and your lucky horseshoe!

SPIN THE BOTTLE LIKE A PARTY!




SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! I'm talkin about the funkiest band in the land, the (other) bad boys from Boston, the incomparable J.GEILS BAND! Think I found something's gonna wreck my mind, keep it close to me babe all the time! The ultimate badass party band appeared last night at Boston's brand new House of Blues for a one-time-only, sold out, wheels-up, side-to-side, slip-n-slide rock n roll bash! Looked so good when I first metcha, told ya then I'd be back t'getcha!

How'd I get my camera past the wall of wand-waving security guards? I love a good pat-down. Easy, so sleazy, just say 'Cheesy'! Scramble my eggs Honey, come on!

DIG THAT CRAZY SOUL


Thirty-whatever years later, PETER WOLF can bring it like nobody's business. He looks the same! He moves the same! He sounds the same! He guzzles Jack Daniel's straight from the bottle! THE WOLF'S got the goods! He was shuckin' and jivin', doin' the wild thang for more than two hours! Do it to it in Bawston, lemme hear ya!     


MAGIC DICK ON THE LICKIN STICK



Set list? Funkin'! Jumpin'! Gig around Woob!

I have to start with song #2. Why? Because I lost the first page of my Hello Kitty notepad which had song #1 on it. Why did you lose it? Because it was a clusterfuck in front of the stage and if you dropped anything, it was all over but the cryin. She said 'fuck'. Get over it. I was there with Uncle Wayno and Aerocarol (who picked me up in her rocked-out red Camaro, cranking Showtime! So choice.) But we got semi-separated at the show and I ended up sandwiched between two line backers..one big fella on my left and Mrs. Doubtfire on my right. She was like a tree, rooted to the ground in her sensible shoes. Behind me, a drunk party girl reeking of wine coolers and coconut oil used my legs to steady herself while she squatted down on the floor to smoke. When Crouching Tiger finished her cig, she looked way up at my green mascara, pulled herself up (by my legs) and yelled into my ear: YOU KNOW I MUSTA, YOU KNOW I THINK I MUSTA, I MUSTA GOT LAWWWWWST! It wasn't easy to shake her off but I managed to rock-it-right in spite of my situation. When the band kicked up Sanctuary, the place went nuts! There's no escape..there's no salvation...it's much too dark for revelation!

Are you ever going to deliver the list? Okay, okay..here it is. Is it in exact order? Oh please.

2.  Just Can't Wait
3.  Homework
4.  Detroit Breakdown
5.  Sanctuary
6.  Nightime (I wanna beeeee with you, inthenightime!)
7.  Freezeframe
8.  Lookin For A Love
9.  So Sharp
10. Musta Got Lost
11. Serves You Right To Suffer (Johnny Lee Hooker)
12. Give It To Me
13. Love Stinks
14. Lookin For A Love
15. Whammer Jammer
16. House Party
17. Centerfold
 
There were at least three encores, maybe four. I stopped taking notes after House Party.

I KNOW IT'S COLD OUTSIDE



COME ON BABE I'LL KEEP YOU SATISFIED

 

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS MOVE



EVERY TIME YOU FEEL THAT GROOVE




AINT NUTHIN BUT A HOUSE PARTY!




AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: NO ANCHOVIES PLEASE!